First, you have to decide what type of “cool” you want to be. Yes, there are vast arrays of categories entailing details of complex nature that we have to wield through in order to achieve the ultimate status of being called ‘kinda cool’ by the odd stranger until he actually manages to strike up a conversation with you only to find out that you are a complete fraud. So let’s make that fake outer layer as thick as possible so it takes more than a few seconds for people to see through your bullshit and isn’t that the dream? If you say yes, then continue reading but bear in mind that you are a crazy person.
The 90s kinda douche bag cool but regarded as today’s asshole hipster that a small proportion of an already tiny minority may consider ‘cool’
This one is all about colour, don’t get it twisted, the colour of your clothes I mean; wear those that don’t match. A stark contrast would be best and avoid neutral/safe colours like black and white. It’s all about the neon green, neon orange and neon yellow. If you manage to discover a new colour in the process, name it something pretentious and you are thus well on your way of becoming hipster cool (although I’m not quite sure why you would want to be).
You have to be kind of annoying in the sense that you find all things ‘mainstream’ and ‘unoriginal’ even when referring to original music and art. Find a way to make arguments of existing plagiarism about everything you can, no matter how faint the connection made while denying the value of anything new. Keep your voice low, avoid eye contact and be somewhat socially awkward, this used to be considered abnormal but now it’s supposed to be mysterious and for all intents and purposes, mysterious is cool.
The Gangster (not mafia but street because being in the mafia would actually be way cooler)
It doesn’t take a genius to know that if you’re from the mean streets this will come easier to you than the suburbians who are most likely to get disqualified. It just means you’ll have to work harder people and that’s okay. Avoid wearing the snapback sideways, that’s a huge no-no unless you are going for cool dude number 1, and those shouldn’t be snapbacks but mini salmon coloured caps you’d give your 4-year-old child.
The Suit guy (warning; you may look like the men in black but it’s still cool)
I’m not sure how many instructions I can roll out of this one because it is self-explanatory; it’s a nice black suit, black tie and black shiny shoes with black aviators. You may also be mistaken for state agents and don’t sue me if you get apprehended for impersonating a federal agent.
Baggy, I guess, is the key term in this category. Baggy jeans, baggy sweatshirts, a lot of bling and you already know all this. Something that took up trend is the whole saggy trousers thing, which is great but lower. Go lower. The lower you dare the better. The more you have to check they are still attached to your butt, the better. Why is this cool? Because you are risking exposing your cute behind to the rest of the world with every step you take. Now that’s cool. You might want to consider emergency briefs and preferably not tidy whiteys.
You don’t need to be able to sing or play an instrument, no, you don’t even have to own a shirt. You just have to own a guitar; the more run-down it is the more authentic it is. Give it a good smash here and there, dents and scribbles. Learn to lip sync (which really shouldn’t take you any learning at all) however and you should have a barely visible six pack, not enough to look like a legal adult, more of a pubescent teen. Following this train of thought; no excess chest hair (what you do below the belt is up to you), which is the package deal, part of which is a high pitched voice for the talking part. Allow me to remind you, under no condition are you to actually use your real voice in song format, really singing will get you fired…by someone or something or other.
So there you have it. It’s all in how you dress and nothing to do with who you are on the inside. No one is even going to notice that irrelevant garbage filling.
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